I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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