I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
