it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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