grandma shit on top of the toilet
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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