he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
