He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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