I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
