Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I wish I only lived at night.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
