You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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