1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
