Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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