the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
