I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
