she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
i now understand why vodka
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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