Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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