I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
