No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
