We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
