i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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