Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
The adults are the big ones right?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
