I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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