dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
