Only a mothe r could love this liver
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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