I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
