What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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