I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
