I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
