He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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