xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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