remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
