i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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