If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
