I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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