first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
you traded sex for a burrito?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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