So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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