I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
