She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize