Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
