when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
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