Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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