so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize