he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
my shit smells like andre
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
