we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
