Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
