then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
