Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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