Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
