I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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