He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
