So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
