You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
found the other keg... it's in the tree
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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