they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
