youre lurking in front of me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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