I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
