This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
