i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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