I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize