I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Randomize
